(Winter) Olympic Ambition
by Becky Clark
February 2025
As this year’s Winter Olympics draws to a close, Becky Clark offers some tips to boost future engagement.
I am not an habitual sports-watcher.
In fact, not watching sports has become a disturbingly significant aspect of my personality.
My recent indoctrination into the Winter Olympics was purely down to the coincidence of my Father visiting during its quadrennial occurrence, and his long-term obsession with all things running and jumping. Or, in this case, sliding and gliding.
Having now, perforce, sat through hours (and hours) of mainly curling, interspersed with some sliding down hills in various ways, I have reached some conclusions re possible improvements, which I offer here in the spirit of attracting other non-sports-watchers to follow more-assiduously in future.
Curling appears to be 97% of the Winter Olympics, at least on standard BBC television coverage (no iPlayer where I live, we do TV old-skool). It is so obviously not a real sport, plus being really not that interesting, that I can only conclude Big Curl has some truly shocking dirt on BBC production team members. Fair’s fair — if my moment on the world stage involved a mop, I would want eyes on too. My suggestion to widen interest is to introduce more of a scavenging element. In future, all games must be played using items found, borrowed or stolen from within the confines of the Olympic Village. A strict time-restriction will be imposed for scavenging, which will be carried out to the soundtrack of Darude’s ‘Sandstorm’ played over every loudspeaker in the vicinity. Saucepans and squeegees will be especially desirable, and it is permissible to fight opposing teams to gain possession.
Build your own bobsled, in the manner of soap box racing. Points for whimsy and not getting flipped upside down. The track will include obstacles made from things the curling lot have discarded. Spectators will be permitted to help get soap-box-bobsleds back on track. Drinking obligatory.
Every short-track ice skate racer to be given a lance with which to attack fellow competitors. One use per lap. Having watched a fair amount of this ‘sport’, I don’t actually think this change will affect the savagery or overall number of falls per match. This must be the maddest sport apart from the one where skiers do backflips onto snow that’s been deliberately made to look like a duvet after a bad night’s sleep.
Luge to be judged purely on how many people can get on top of each other whilst sledging. Give the people what they want, etc. This is a sport invented at 11pm on a Friday night at the top of an icy hill in Glasgow, using the lid from a wheelie bin. Numbers matter: get all your mates involved. Points for creative expression, pyramids, and exciting costumes. (Bonus points for the other type of sledging, too? – Eds.)
Lights to be turned off and on at random during speed skating. Outfits must be glow-in-the-dark. Entire event soundtracked in the manner of an early-’90s school roller disco, with ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’ exclusively reserved for the final lap.
Dogs to be allowed to enter ski slalom. Actually I think this might have already happened, though possibly that was some other event that involved going downhill fast on two sticks. In this version the dogs will be allowed to compete alongside people. To balance the universe, people henceforth are to be allowed to compete in the Crufts agility section.
Team ski jump (quite enjoyable) will continue — but from now on will be completed as a three-legged race. Two skis plus a snowboard in the middle, maybe? You work out the details. Just don’t try to tell me no-one ever tried this outside a Scottish pub at chucking-out time.
And there we have it. Citius, Altius, Fortius — Mysticus. And with more ’90s disco.
You’re welcome, (non-)sports fans.
