Paddington Who?
by Peter Foggitt
September 2022
In the wake of Her Late Majesty’s highly successful collaboration with popular children’s character Paddington Bear, staff at Buckingham Palace have been working tirelessly – with advice from Peter Foggitt – to create a similar opportunity for His New Majesty.
A few of these proposed collaborations have now been leaked made available, exclusively, to The Emigre.
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King Charles visits the Island of Sodor, where he meets Thomas the Tank Engine. They attempt to set off together on a journey, but the extraordinarily high price of fuel, and the fact that the railways on the island were entirely axed by Dr Beeching when Charles was barely a teenager, mean that their ambition is nipped in the bud.
Charles teams up with Scooby-Doo and the gang to solve an intriguing mystery. They eventually discover the disguised perpetrator: removing his mask, he reveals himself to be another prince of the blood royal, who exclaims “I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” – or perhaps the same words in a slightly different order.
Charles joins the Famous Five, replacing Timmy the dog, who is recovering from a botched visit to the vet’s.
Charles pays a visit to Teletubbyland. He attempts to explain to the four bounding inhabitants that too much screen time can cause macular pain, but is expertly distracted by Dipsy. (The precise nature of this distraction is deemed unsuitable for daytime television.)
Charles goes with Max to Where The Wild Things Are – and establishes a British colony.
Charles holidays in Scotland, where he has a charming chance encounter with Maisie the Morningside Cat. So bowled over is he by her elegant sense of dress, delightful Edinburgh accent, and commitment to organic dairy produce, that he deliriously cedes the position of Lord of the Isles to her and her descendants in perpetuity.
The Tiger Comes To Tea at Buckingham Palace; but upon discovering that the only biscuits available are Duchy Originals (famously loathed by tigers everywhere) goes on a homicidal rampage, enthusiastically devouring both courtiers and domestic staff alike.
Charles, walking alone in the extensive grounds of Sandringham, encounters The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who, without a moment’s hesitation, wolfs down His Majesty Charles III, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, in a single mouthful.
